


Shadows of Memory, Shades of Being

by peregrinefalcon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 03:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11266872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peregrinefalcon/pseuds/peregrinefalcon
Summary: Sometimes, it feels like her life is so full of ghosts that there isn't much else left.----for hpwritersnet.tumblr.com





	Shadows of Memory, Shades of Being

Cuthbert Binns, professor of History of Magic at Hogwarts, once said that ‘Memory, is just the ghost of history.’ Of course, this may have been an absentminded response to the question ‘Professor Binns, are you aware that you’re a ghost?’, but Minerva felt that Binns' words haunted her long after he said it, in these troubled and disturbed times. For happening simultaneously in her life was one of the greatest calamities of wizarding history and a period of the most profound loss in her life. Indeed, though history passed her by, the ghosts of these times still haunt her present and past. Sometimes, it feels like her life is so full of ghosts that there isn't much else left.

  1. He was a sensible boy, with black hair that was neat in the morning but invariably fell into his face by the end of the day, and soft, reasonable grey eyes that betrayed kindness and hopefulness despite his outward coldness and reticence. It shocked her at first when it was revealed that he had joined the Death Eaters, as she had never understood how much his desperate idealism clouded his judgment of the facts at hand. She had wondered if perhaps Walburga and Orion Black had influenced him to make the decision, but Minerva knew that Regulus Black was just as wilful and stubborn as his older brother - perhaps even more so. He wasn't a bad person, but Minerva found it difficult to forgive his involvement with Voldemort and his cohorts; but still, eighteen is too young for anyone to die. He still had time to turn away, to live out his potential. And boy did he have potential. One of the most intuitive wizards that she'd ever taught. He deserved to live a better life. The worst part of Regulus Black's death was witnessing what it did to Sirius - he had never given up hope that his brother might come back to him, and the concrete loss of this hope had turned Sirius a harder, colder, and less talkative man. It would be years before she would see him as his old, chatty self again.
  2. ‘My son was just born, I’m a father now!’ Minerva remembered this young man beaming and showing her a photograph of a laughing baby with a head full of poofy black hair. ‘His name is Dean,’ he told her proudly. It was strange how quickly her students all became adults and parents, when only a few years ago they were still her pupils, studying for their N.E.W.T.s and fretting about future jobs. She had bumped into him in the Three Broomsticks, and wouldn’t have recognised him if that familiar voice hadn’t exclaimed, ‘Professor McGonagall!’ upon seeing her. She was very glad to have seen him, and told him that she looked forward to teacher his son when he came to Hogwarts. She bid him farewell, and told him that she hoped to see him again, soon. Now she wish she hadn’t said that. A week later, news of his murder had reached her, and Albus had explained that Voldemort had killed him for refusing to join the Death Eaters. The young man had abandoned his Muggle wife and son to keep them safe, before trying to disappear into Ireland. But they had got to him in the end. Minerva found herself thinking about poor little Dean. She hadn’t forgotten about that poor child ever, and eleven years later when the young Dean Thomas came to Hogwarts, she wondered if he knew about the story of his birth father, and if he knew how much he had looked like him.
  3. Edgar Bones was a good man. She had met him briefly when Albus first invited her to join the Order of the Phoenix. He was polite, warm, and even tried to joke with her, although at that time she was not in the mood. At the end, she had decided to spy for the Ministry instead of joining the Order, but she did not forget Edgar Bones and how he tried to introduce laughter and happiness in the midst of this terrible war. And when news reported that he and his family had been killed by Voldemort, Minerva found herself feeling suddenly very cold and dark, as if a great light had gone out of the universe.
  4. Minerva remembered her as a student that was sometimes more trouble than she was worth. She never wore her uniform properly, never sat up straight in class, and had buzzed all of her brown hair to the scalp. Many people remembered James Potter and Sirius Black as the unruliest students of Hogwarts in the ‘70s, but the truth was they were nothing next to Marlene McKinnon. Minerva remembered Marlene as a particularly spirited girl who was always talking of a revolution, of a rebellion against the _status quo_. Marlene McKinnon was never satisfied, always hungry for change, and always hopeful for improvement. She was the biggest dreamer Minerva had ever met, and she had the craziest ideas that seemed like they just might work. Minerva often found herself quite appreciative of the quirky genius of Marlene McKinnon. When she learned of Marlene’s murder, she found herself becoming hard and unmovable, in order to find the courage to face her classroom every morning. Marlene had been her favourite student. Will teaching ever feel the same again?
  5. People often said that twins were particularly intuitive towards each other. This was certainly true of Fabian and Gideon Prewett. They weren’t the type of twins that were never seen without the other - in fact, Fabian and Gideon had rather different interests, and often attended different classes - but when they were together, it seemed like they could read each other’s minds. One would always have a goblet of pumpkin juice ready before the other had even realised that he was thirsty, and so on. This connection made them particularly fierce duelists, as one would always know which spell the other one needed. So when they fell under the wandfire of Death Eaters, Minerva found it difficult to believe. When one sees how fiercely fire can blaze, it can be difficult to imagine how it could ever go out. She hoped that Fabian and Gideon’s fire wouldn’t extinguish with their deaths, and instead be manifested elsewhere. This wish of hers did come true - when their sister’s sons, Fred and George Weasley, came to Hogwarts, Minerva saw the fires of one F & G reflected in the eyes and hair of the other. Some things you just can’t kill.
  6. Minerva never knew that much about Benjy Fenwick. In class, he was a quiet and adequate student, and did not draw much attention to himself. And the one time she visited the Order, he never talked except to voice his opinion on a certain mission. Yet still, the brutality of his death shook her, and reminded her that evil is realer and closer than you could ever imagine.
  7. One was never seen without the other. Wherever Marlene McKinnon went, so did Dorcas Meadowes. And just as Marlene was rebellious and caustic, Dorcas was cunning and ingenious (a true Slytherin). Together they were unstoppable, and the terror of professors all over Hogwarts. While Marlene dreamed of change, Dorcas dreamed of escape. Minerva could see it in her eyes, that faraway look that no doubt harboured untaken adventures and future heroics. Needless to say, she wasn’t shocked when Dorcas had joined the Order. It seemed to be a good fit for her, giving her a taste for adventure as she fought the good fight. And it seemed that Dorcas would survive, as she knew how to lie low (in every one of their pranks, Marlene had always been the one to get caught redhanded, whilst Dorcas would have known better to clean up after herself). Her death left a bad taste in Minerva’s mouth; as now she knew that no matter how clever you were, the dark would always be there to wait you out. At least Dorcas went down fighting Voldemort personally, Minerva thought, and she felt very proud of that.
  8. Evan Rosier was never a nice boy, and so when Alastor Moody killed him Minerva did not really feel much. But somehow, because he was a human and she had known him as a student, it seemed like she had to at least feel a little pity or, even dislike for the Death Eater. But she found that she hadn’t been able to feel anything. It seemed like something had died in her a while ago.
  9. Sometimes, there are things that are so good that you tell yourself, they’re going to last forever, even though you know you shouldn’t set yourself up like that. But sometimes, you see something so perfect that it just doesn’t make sense that one day it’ll be gone, because it doesn’t make sense to destroy something so precious, even if you could have seen the end coming. Minerva was not surprised when James Potter and Lily Evans were murdered, as they were vocal opponents of Voldemort and the Death Eaters and prominent members of the Order; but still she felt an incredulity at their loss, as if she could not imagine a world without the two of them. No, she couldn’t remember a world like that. But here they were, lying in a broken house, and everything seemed unreal. Everything _was_ unreal - Voldemort was momentarily defeated, _James and Lily were dead_ , and their son had survived. Survived _Voldemort_. Minerva remembered picking him up, looking at him, and seeing his father in his brown skin and black hair, seeing his mother in his green eyes and intelligent mouth. James and Lily were _gone_ and this was all of them that was left in this world, _alive_. Why did Albus Dumbledore always guide her favourite students towards danger and almost certain death? ‘I won’t let him take you,’ she found herself saying to Harry, but she was unsure who she was talking about. But she was certain that Harry, would live. She would fight _anyone_ to keep _him_ alive.
  10. Voldemort had gone for so long that so many had forgotten that he was still a very real threat. Many had forgotten about the war in the beginning, and even more had believed that one could not survive vaporisation (a logical conclusion). But he did come back, fourteen years later. She believed that he was coming back soon, but it only felt real when she saw Harry fly out of the maze with the body of Cedric Diggory. It only felt like a real attack and a declaration of war when she saw Harry sobbing over the body of Cedric Diggory, all wrong and soft the way a human body shouldn’t be. Voldemort left taking some of her favourite children, and now he’s come back taken another one of hers. Cedric. How could he have taken Cedric? Cedric Diggory, the kindest, the truest, the most worthy of them all. Cedric Diggory, perhaps the most promising wizard of the age. Cedric Diggory, the boy who followed her like a shadow when he was younger, with never-ending questions that seemed far too old for his age; Cedric Diggory, who played Quidditch like the wind and made her wish that he was sorted into Gryffindor instead, so he could be on her team; Cedric Diggory, the greatest friend it seemed like anyone could have, who would always have your back, through thick and thin, without complaint, without conditions. Cedric Diggory, who deserved to die the least. Cedric Diggory, who deserved to live. She found herself still staring at his body. Harry looked up and caught her eye, and that’s when she’d noticed that Voldemort hadn’t taken one. He’d taken two. He’d taken Harry, too.
  11. Broderick Bode was found dead at St. Mungo’s, strangled with Devil’s Snare. He was killed for knowing about the Death Eater’s plans with stealing the Prophecy. And she knew that they were going to kill her boy, Harry. They were going to kill Harry.
  12. And Harry only had her left in the world. Because death is blind, death is hungry, death is tenacious - death kills no matter who you are, no matter what you fight for, no matter what you live for. Because death is back in her life again, after so many years. Because death took Harry’s godfather, Sirius Black. Because death took this man she’s finally seen smile, for the first time, in over fifteen years; because death took this man whose soul has already been killed so many times, that it’s a miracle he’s still holding on; because death took the Order’s fiercest warrior. Because death took her boy, with long black hair that followed him like a shadow and eyes glinting grey (which she has come to know as the colour of trouble); her boy, with a lopsided smile that always hinted at something vaguely illegal, a smile that she loved and hated equally; her boy, with a personality like water (it gets everywhere), a mind like the wind (never know where it’s gone now), a spirit like fire (infectious). At least he’s with James now, she finds herself saying to herself, at least he’s with James now. At least she’s with Regulus now. Sirius Black is no longer alone. She looks at Harry, staring dead-eyed out of a window, unmoving. Harry, is all alone. But at least he’s still got her.
  13. Most people are right not to trust the government. A lot of people who are in power indeed ascended to their position through family ties, riches, and intimidation. However, it is worth remembering that there are still fair, true, and deserving people who serve witches and wizards across the world. Madame Amelia Bones was one such person. She was perhaps the best person you could ever have in a government, and Minerva had respected her a lot. When she was taken, Minerva lost her hope in the government and cut ties with the Ministry.
  14. Diagon Alley feels strange and unwelcoming now, with Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour boarded up and dusty. Walking past the window, Minerva looked in and saw broken chairs and upturned tables, splashes of dried ice cream on the floor, and a smudge of what look suspiciously like blood on the wall. Florean had disappeared, but judging by the state of his parlour there was no doubt that he had been killed. Minerva had always thought of him as a sweet man, and Hagrid had always spoken fondly of the gentleman as one of his closest friends. Minerva always frequented his parlour whenever she was in Diagon, and they would trade stories of the children who visited his parlour and the children who attended her classes (clearly, the two overlapped greatly). He was warm and friendly, and would always give her surprisingly insightful and helpful tips for dealing with children. Looking back, it seemed like he had always been her greatest supporter and collaborator. Without his help, it’s hard to see how she would have survived her first few years of teaching. Now he’s gone, and she hadn’t even had a proper chance to tell him how much she appreciated him. Now, so many people have gone, and so many sentiments had gone unsaid. Minerva turned around and walked away from the parlour.
  15. Emmeline Vance, the toughest character Minerva had ever met, had succumbed. It seemed hardly possible at the moment, but then Minerva had experienced so many deaths in the past two decades that no death was surprising anymore. Harry was caught saying, ‘And anyway, life’s too short... look at Madame Bones, look at Emmeline Vance... it could be me next, couldn’t it?’ and Minerva found herself agreeing with Harry. Indeed, the noose is tightening around everyone. But Harry would not be next. Emmeline pledged her life that he wouldn’t be next. Minerva had done the same. Harry would have to live.
  16. Hannah Abbott’s mother had been taken. Seeing on Hannah’s face the strange pain of losing someone _so close_ for the first time, Minerva was reminded of the many times she’s experienced that pain, and so much that it wasn’t even strange anymore; but it was never not painful. She thought of all those who had died in her life, and wondered - who was left now? She could count those close to her on one hand. It was a terrifying and sobering thought. How much of her love and thought was spent on those already too far gone to experience it? How many important parts and persons from her life had been carved away? And what was left of her now? Who was she now? Minerva McGonagall, witch, professor, ~~friend~~ , ~~mentor~~ , ~~confidant~~ , ~~guardian~~ ...
  17. Minerva read in the news that a young Montgomery had died as a result of a werewolf attack lead by Fenrir Greyback. His mother had refused to join the Death Eaters. He had two sisters in Hogwarts. She could have taught him in six years’ time. How many people in her future had also become ghosts of the past?
  18. She had rushed over just in time to see that flash of green so bright and unnatural that it hurt, and a billowing of grey robes and hair, and then nothingness. Just empty space and dark night. The Malfoy boy was sitting on the cold marble floor, his face pale face sallow in the candlelight and his eyes hollow with relief. A relief that is neither freeing nor glad. Just a dead, tired, sort of relief that was perhaps not relief at all. He held his own wand tightly in one hand, and Albus’ wand was by his other hand, on the floor. Although Minerva herself discounted divination, the image brought to mind two cards that Sybill had been looking at the other day, from across the professor’s banquet table. She looked at Malfoy’s nervous hand now. The Two of Wands. Fear of the unknown. She looked at Albus’ wand on the floor. The Ace of Wands. Delayed. ~~Dead.~~ ‘Minerva?’ Severus turned to her, his wand still glowing green from his deed. His cloak billowed behind him like a dark cloud, obscuring the present. ‘Minerva, take the children.’ She straightened herself up best she could, and looked at her students. They looked back at her, but they weren’t looking at her. All their eyes were disbelieving, scared, worried, sad (oh, some of them were _crying_ ), angry, _betrayed_ \- ‘Students, please, to your dorms. Now.’ They shuffled out, and Minerva walked over to help the young Malfoy up. He was so unexpectedly light in her arms. He seemed like an excuse for a boy who was already almost a man. Before she left with Malfoy, she turned back and looked at that window. Albus Dumbledore, has fallen.
  19. Severus would not tell her what had happened to Professor Charity Burbage, and so that way Minerva had an idea of what had happened. They were coming after the professors now. After all these years, they’re finally coming after her. She cannot protect Harry now.
  20. Alastor Moody was killed in the wandfire, protecting Harry whilst they moved him out of 4 Privet Drive. The hunt for the boy had begun, and they were already so, so outnumbered. Those who could still fight were so, so young - too young to be fighting. It almost seemed like they wouldn’t be enough; but they’re all she’s got now. They’re all Harry’s got. She cannot protect Harry now, but Merlin she hopes they’ll be able to protect him.
  21. Minerva watched as bodies of her students and friends were carried past her into the Great Hall. Her world was crumbling around her, and she thought, this is how it ends, the last parts of me struggling against the oncoming barrage. She feels the castle’s power coursing through her as she raises her arms to the sky, bursting with stars of strange colours. Her fists are stone and her wand is a blazing sword. Her soldiers march forth, armoured in that castle she loved so much, the home of all of her ghosts and memories. Her home. She watches as two students - Dean Thomas and a Slytherin whose face she couldn’t make out - zip past her with a stretcher. She couldn’t mistake that face ever. Remus Lupin. She didn’t expect to see him, and the image brought a terrifying confusion to her mind. He had just welcomed a son - just like Dean Thomas’ father did, eighteen years ago. Just as James and Lily did. Minerva thought that he had _known_  better - and Merlin’s beard, he’s Remus _fucking_ Lupin, he should know better - than to do this to his _son_. He’s seen what this has done to _Harry_. But, he still! He still left Teddy to fight. And now he’s dead. They’re all dead. She deflected a curse from a Death Eater, and a shower of red sparks rained over her. Of course Remus fucking Lupin went ahead and died - despite his appearances, he’s never been a very prudent or sensible boy. You couldn’t be sensible and still be James and Sirius’ best friend. No, he was always jumping headfirst into situations and conclusions without thinking too much, more instinct-driven than reason-driven. He was always more volatile than people expected, full of challenge and defiance. He had been taught to keep his head down and live quietly, but living with James and Sirius taught him that he had a right to live by his own way, had a right to anger, had a right to rise up, and stop being trodden on. And that had taught him loyalty, and he was fiercely loyal to James and Sirius, always jumping in front of them into certain danger, always taking the blame, always ready to protect (and tired of hurting). Fat load of good that did him, Remus fucking Lupin. Fat load of good that did them all.
  22. ********It was all happening so quickly. Two Ravenclaws rushed past with a mauled body, but Minerva recognised the bracelet on its wrist as one belonging to a Lavender Brown. She choked back bile and turned away from whatever remained of the girl (she didn’t _deserve_ this, _no one deserves this_ ) and retrained her eyes at the battlefield. The air was arid with smoke and dust, and the night was bleary with the light of spells. It was difficult to see anything, but she wasn’t about to chance anything by firing blindly into the foggy landscape. She conjured a wind and blew away the dust, just in time to see a Death Eater fire a curse towards the castle, and a tumble of stone bringing dust back into the air. There was a yell and she rushed over to the rubble and begun digging with her bare hands, Merlin knows where her wand went. The stone was rough and heavy beneath her fingers, but she didn’t care. Another set of hands joined her, and together they dug. It was a miracle that no one had hit them, and so she had assumed that someone was providing cover for them. She threw away another rock, and she saw. It was Fred Weasley. She made an ugly sound that surprised herself. She turned to the other person and saw George Weasley. Of course it was George Weasley. One was never seen without the other. He looked at her too, and his eyes were full of tears but also empty with confusion. When so much of who you are has been carved away, what are you anymore?
  23. ********She saw Horace Slughorn and Pomona Sprout carrying a small body over to the great door. Pomona was bubbling with sobs and could barely carry the body; Horace was doing all he could to keep it above the ground. Minerva saw that shock of bubblegum-pink hair and knew that ~~Nymphadora~~ Tonks was dead. They disappeared into the Great Hall, and Horace came out alone. He made eye contact with Minerva, and disappeared back into the battle. Pomona’s howl stirred a familiar sadness and anger that had been in Minerva for far too long. She too, had lost far too many students as well.
  24. Colin Creevey passed her by, without a camera, for the first time. It was a strange sight, but she’d thought that, for the first time, she didn’t want to see what sort of pictures he’d taken. She didn’t think she could bear to witness the last thing he saw before he’d been killed. ** ******
  25. The light had broken, and Hogwarts was red and grey instead of black and brown as usual. She sauntered into the castle, exhausted from using wandless magic for so long. Sybill took her place. For all her misgivings towards divination, Minerva had to admit (and she gladly did) that Sybill was a far more skilled witch than most have given her credit for. 'Go to the Shrieking Shack,’ Sybill told her without any explanation. Well, if she was going to believe Sybill at any time, might as well be this time. Minerva moved cautiously over, pushed knot at the bottom of the ruined Whomping Willow. The door opened for her, and she ducked inside. Lying on the floor was the dead body of Severus Snape. So at the end, being a Death Eater couldn’t protect him from Voldemort after all. She stood over his corpse and looked at his pale, dead face. When so much of who you are has been carved away, what are you anymore? It seemed like Severus had let that loss dictate his entire life, and Minerva did not find that intelligent or heroic at all. Instead, it was a cowardly life, one led by a person too scared to face a future not to their liking. She never liked Severus, as he was never a pleasant man nor a good teacher, but at least he had protected Harry even when Albus was ready to sacrifice the boy. At least he defended Harry, however unworthy his personal reasons were. But would that ever be enough? Would that be enough to define who Severus Snape was as a person? Would that make him a hero? Or would he remain the coward that he is? ** ******
  26. Sybill found her, still standing over Severus Snape’s body. ‘Come,’ she said, and Minerva followed her to the gates of the school. Everyone was gathered there, watching the Forbidden Forest. She turned her attention there, too, unquestioningly, but she had a faint idea of what might have happened. Hagrid stepped out of the shadows of the trees. It was a familiar sight. It was as if she’d seen this sight sometime before, seventeen years ago. Hagrid was carrying a small figure in his arms. Hagrid was carrying Harry in his arms. Her Harry. They had taken him. A rage swelled up inside her, a rage so tall that it threatened to fill up this vast hole of loss in her that just kept swallowing more and more of her, until there was nothing left but loss. They had taken the Boy Who Lived, the Boy Who _Will_ Live, the Boy Who _Must Live_. They had taken her boy.



They had taken everyone she had. They had taken everything she had. They had taken all of her. Minerva McGonagall saw her wand lying by her feet, as if by serendipity. With the swoop of an eagle she snatched it up and held it towards Voldemort, the man who had taken everything from her. She snarled like an alley cat who had nothing to lose, and let all that she had left - anger, grief, _love_ \- fill her wand, until the tip glowed and there was nothing left in her at all. They had taken all of her. Now they will pay for it all.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, constructive criticism is encouraged and appreciated!
> 
> Come say hi to me on tumblr: saladtsar.tumblr.com


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